To the One Who Tried Therapy—and Walked Away
A love note for anyone who gave therapy an honest shot, and left feeling more lost than helped.
You tried.
You didn’t ghost it. You didn’t mock it. You gave therapy a real shot—maybe even more than once.
You sat in the chair. You showed up. You shared more than you thought you would.
And still, something about it didn’t click.
You wanted help—not a monologue of your own thoughts reflected back to you.
You wanted someone to sit with you and think with you.
To be a guide, not just a mirror.
Instead, it felt like the therapist kept flipping the script—turning every sentence you offered into another open-ended question. And after a while, it didn’t feel like progress. It felt like spinning.
So, you stopped. You bowed out—not in a dramatic way, but quietly. And since then, you’ve managed. You’re fine, mostly. But you haven’t forgotten how frustrating that experience was. And maybe—just maybe—you’ve wondered if it would ever be worth trying again.
This letter is for you.
Therapy Isn't Supposed to Feel Like a Riddle
You weren’t wrong to want more. To hope that someone trained in human behavior might, at some point, say:
"Here’s what I think could be going on."
"Here’s a pattern I’m seeing."
"Here’s something I’d like to help you try."
Instead, you got, “How does that make you feel?” over and over—like a loop you couldn’t get out of. That kind of therapy feels like being asked to fix your own car with no tools while someone stands next to you and says, “What do you think the problem is?”
Therapy should feel collaborative. It should feel like someone is with you in the work—not just watching you do it. And it absolutely should not feel like a guessing game.
You Didn’t Need Fixing—You Needed a Fit
Here’s something no one tells you: not all therapists are the same.
Some are more reflective and non-directive. Others are structured and solution-focused. And fit matters—a lot.
🧠 In over 200 studies, the strength of the therapeutic alliance predicted up to 30% of outcomes—more than any specific technique used (Norcross & Lambert, 2011).
You didn’t fail therapy. Therapy didn’t fail you. It just wasn’t the right match.
If you wanted structure, and your therapist only offered questions, that’s a mismatch in style—not a flaw in you. You’re allowed to want more. You’re allowed to say, “This isn’t working for me.”
When the Insurance List Feels Like a Dead End
And then—there’s the system itself.
You try to take the next step. You reach out to your insurance. And what do they give you?
A giant list of names.
No context.
No bios.
No clue how to figure out who might actually help.
Voicemail.
Waitlists.
Silence.
You’re supposed to cold-call strangers and “interview” them while you’re already overwhelmed?
It’s a terrible setup.
The truth? You’re not lazy. You’re not too picky.
You’re navigating a broken system that makes it easy to give up.
And if you’ve been there—scrolling through Psychology Today, trying to guess which headshot looks most trustworthy—then bowing out because it’s all too much? That makes perfect sense.
What to Look For Next Time
You don’t need to be a therapist to find the right one. You just need to know a few key phrases.
If you want someone more collaborative, direct, and involved, look for these in a bio or ask directly:
🔍 Keywords That Signal a More Active Therapist:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Coaching-informed therapy
Executive functioning or performance-based approaches
“Structured,” “skills-based,” “goal-oriented,” or “collaborative style”
If you're not sure how to ask, start with this:
“What’s your style in session—are you more structured and involved, or more reflective and open-ended?”
That question alone can save you weeks of frustration.
You Were Brave to Even Try
You took a risk by walking into that first session. That took strength.
You opened up. You wanted something more for yourself. That still matters.
Maybe it wasn’t the right therapist. Maybe it wasn’t the right time. But if another hard season comes—and it will—know this:
Therapy isn’t about fixing broken people.
It’s about helping strong people carry what’s gotten too heavy.
And if you ever decide to try again, therapy will still be here.
Better. Clearer. Smarter. More ready to meet you where you are.
At Phases Virginia, Therapy Is a Collaboration
We work differently. You won’t be left spinning in your own thoughts.
We use evidence-based approaches like CBT, ACT, and solution-focused therapy. We explain why things feel stuck—and what to do about it. You’ll never have to wonder if we’re in this with you. We are.
And if you're a man navigating life stress, relationship changes, work burnout, or the low hum of anxiety or disconnection, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it all out solo.
We offer online therapy across Virginia, including:
Northern Virginia
Richmond
Virginia Beach
Norfolk
Chesapeake
Roanoke
Charlottesville
🌱 Start your next phase at PhasesVirginia.com
Schedule a free consultation today. It’s not about starting over. It’s about starting smarter.