Healthy Friendships, Red Flags, and Anger: What Young Adults (and Couples) Need to Know
Friendships are supposed to be the “easy” relationships in our lives. But for many young adults, friendships are a source of confusion, hurt, and even burnout. And here’s the important part: how we “do” friendship often shows up later in our romantic relationships and marriages.
In this blog for Phases Virginia, we’ll walk through:
What a healthy friendship actually looks like
Subtle and obvious red flags (especially around anger)
How these patterns often repeat in dating and marriage
When it might be time to set boundaries, step back, or seek support
We’ll also weave in findings from Huntley & Owens’ work on how girls manage friendship conflict, and more recent research on friendship quality, mental health, and personal relationships.
Strong, Compassionate Connections Start Here
Healthy friendships and supportive relationships are vital for emotional wellness — but knowing what’s healthy can be harder than it sounds. At Phases Virginia, our licensed therapists help young adults, couples, and individuals across the state
Why friendships matter so much for your mental health
Friendships aren’t just social “extras.” High-quality friendships are linked with:
Better mental health and life satisfaction – A 2022 systematic review found that higher friendship quality was consistently associated with better subjective well-being in adolescents. PMC+1
Protection against anxiety and depression – The quality of peer relationships in adolescence and young adulthood is strongly tied to both depressive symptoms and self-confidence. ARNO
Better physical health and overall functioning – A 2022 scoping review on young adults’ personal relationships and health found that supportive, high-quality relationships are associated with better physical and mental health outcomes overall. The Open Psychology Journal
In short: your friendships are part of your health. If your social circle regularly leaves you feeling small, exhausted, or unsafe, that’s not “just drama.” It’s a mental health issue worth taking seriously.
What a healthy friendship tends to include
No relationship is perfect, but healthy friendships share some core ingredients. These apply across friendships, dating relationships, and marriages.
1. Trust and emotional safety
You should be able to rely on your friend to be honest with you, keep your confidences, and not weaponize your vulnerabilities later. Educational resources on healthy teen and young adult relationships consistently name trust as the core of emotional and physical safety in any close relationship. OCDSB
Ask yourself:
Do I feel like I can exhale around this person?
Can I share both good and hard things without worrying it will be used against me?
If the answer is often “no,” that’s significant.
2. Mutual effort and reciprocity
Healthy friendships feel roughly balanced over time. It’s not 50/50 every week, but:
You both initiate plans.
You both listen and share.
You can show up for each other during hard seasons.
Research on friendship quality highlights that reciprocity and reliable support are key features of friendships that actually enhance well-being, rather than drain it. Psychologica Belgica+1
When you’re always the one texting, calling, checking in, or emotionally holding the other person, it starts to look less like a friendship and more like a one-way helping role.
3. Respect for boundaries and independence
Healthy friends:
Respect when you’re tired, need space, or have other priorities.
Don’t guilt-trip you for spending time with your partner, family, or other friends.
Accept that you’re a whole person with a full life.
Young adults who report more supportive, less controlling relationships also tend to report better mental health and a stronger sense of autonomy. The Open Psychology Journal
4. Repair after conflict
Here’s where Huntley & Owens’ work is helpful. Research on adolescent girls’ friendship groups shows that when conflict arises, collaborative conversations—where both sides express their perspectives, listen, and work toward solutions—help maintain and even strengthen the friendship. Less direct strategies, like avoiding, “shutting down,” or talking behind someone’s back, tend to increase distress and ongoing tension. Wiley Online Library+1
Healthy friendships don’t avoid conflict forever. They repair:
“Hey, I felt hurt when…”
“Can we talk about last weekend?”
“I care about you, so I want to work through this.”
If conflict is constantly ignored, minimized, or explodes into anger with no repair, the relationship starts to chip away at your sense of safety.
5. Joy, encouragement, and growth
Friendships should include:
Shared laughter and enjoyment
Encouragement when you take risks or grow
Honest feedback that still feels kind
A good shorthand question:
Do I like who I am when I’m with this person?
If a friendship consistently pulls out the most anxious, angry, jealous, or insecure version of you, that’s worth paying attention to.
Red flags in friendships (that also apply to dating and marriage)
Red flags are patterns, not one-off bad days. Here are some of the big ones:
1. You feel worse after most interactions
If you regularly walk away feeling:
Drained
Criticized
Anxious
“Too much” or “not enough”
that’s a sign this relationship might be eroding your self-worth rather than supporting it.
2. One-sided emotional labor
You might be in a lopsided friendship if:
You know everything about their life and they know almost nothing about yours.
Their crises always take priority; yours are minimized.
You feel guilty setting any limit (“I can’t talk tonight” brings moodiness, silent treatment, or guilt-trips).
Over time, this kind of imbalance has been linked with higher stress and lower well-being in personal relationships. The Open Psychology Journal
3. Gossip, triangling, and “shutting you down”
Research on young people’s peer problems suggests that being talked about behind your back or being “shut down” in social settings causes significant distress, even when it doesn’t fit a technical definition of bullying. CloudFront
Red flags include:
Your friend frequently talks badly about others to you — which often means they may talk about you to others.
They share your private information without consent.
They dismiss or mock your feelings in front of others.
4. Controlling behavior and boundary-disrespect
Watch for patterns like:
Getting angry or sulky when you spend time with other friends, your partner, or family.
Pushing you into situations you’ve clearly said you’re uncomfortable with (substances, dating, sexual situations, social events).
Repeatedly ignoring “no,” “I’m not up for that,” or “I need to go.”
This same controlling pattern can show up in dating relationships and marriages, where it becomes more dangerous—particularly for women, who experience higher rates of intimate partner violence (IPV). PMC
5. Anger: when it crosses the line from human to harmful
Anger is a normal emotion. What matters is how it’s expressed and what happens afterward.
Red-flag anger patterns in friendships or romantic relationships include:
Frequent outbursts (yelling, name-calling, throwing things, slamming doors)
Blame shifting (“You made me so mad I had no choice but to say that.”)
No repair — they don’t apologize or reflect, or they apologize just enough to reset things until the next blow-up
Walking on eggshells — you are constantly editing yourself to avoid triggering their anger
Research on emotions in romantic relationships suggests that anger, when chronically mismanaged, is associated with poorer relationship quality and can erode trust and connection over time. ResearchGate+1
If anger is regularly used as a tool to control, intimidate, or humiliate you, that’s not “just how they are.” It’s a problem.
From friendship to marriage: how these patterns follow us
Young adulthood is usually when friendships start to blend with romantic relationships, long-term partnerships, and, for many, marriage.
Here’s the big idea:
The way you relate in friendship is often the template you bring into marriage.
Healthy friendship patterns that help marriage
If you practice, in friendship:
Direct, kind communication
Respect for boundaries
Mutual support and reciprocity
Repair after conflict
Space for each person’s individuality
…you’re building skills that translate beautifully into dating and life with a partner. And being a good friend for life.
Couples who report better communication, emotional safety, and support often also have broader networks of supportive relationships—and do better mentally and physically over time. ScienceDirect
Unhealthy friendship patterns that show up in marriage
On the other hand, if your norm in friendship is:
Walking on eggshells around angry people
Taking responsibility for other people’s moods
Accepting boundary violations
Calling controlling or demeaning behavior “loyalty” or “passion”
…it becomes much easier to slide into a romantic relationship or marriage where those same patterns play out—just with higher stakes (shared finances, housing, children, etc.).
Research on intimate partner violence shows strong links between controlling behavior, emotional abuse, and poor mental health outcomes for the person being harmed. PMC
A closer look at anger in marriage
Because you asked to hone in on marriage and anger specifically, let’s name a few things clearly:
Normal, workable anger in marriage might look like:
“I’m really upset about what happened earlier. Can we talk?”
Raised voices once in a while, but followed by genuine repair and reflection.
Both partners taking responsibility for their part and working on healthier patterns.
Concerning anger in marriage looks more like:
Regular yelling, insults, or put-downs
Threatening to leave, harm themselves, or harm you when angry
Punching walls, throwing objects, damaging property during arguments
Using anger to shut down conversations, questions, or concerns
Telling you you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you bring up how their anger affects you
You or your children feel scared when conflict happens
That kind of pattern is not just “communication issues.” It’s an emotional (and potentially physical) safety issue.
If you’re seeing moderate versions of this, couples therapy or individual therapy can help you both develop safer conflict skills.
If you’re seeing severe or escalating versions of this (especially with intimidation, control, or violence), safety planning and specialized support are critical. You do not have to navigate that alone.
A quick self-check: friendship and relationship inventory
You can use these questions for friendships, dating, or marriage:
After time with this person, do I usually feel:
More grounded and seen, or more anxious and small?
Is there space for my “no,” my preferences, my needs?
Do we repair after conflict, or do things just get swept under the rug or explode again later?
Is anger used to communicate feelings and work toward solutions—or to control, intimidate, or shut me down?
If I imagined a friend or my future child in a relationship like this, would I feel comfortable… or concerned?
If your honest answers leave you uneasy, that’s important information—not a reason to shame yourself, but a sign that support might help.
When it’s time to get support
At Phases Virginia, we often work with:
Young adults trying to sort out which friendships are worth investing in
People dating or engaged who notice “friendship red flags” popping up in their romantic relationship
Married individuals and couples dealing with communication, resentment, or anger that feels stuck and scary
Clients working through past relational trauma who are re-learning what “healthy” even looks like
Therapy can help you:
Put words to patterns you’ve felt but couldn’t explain
Learn new skills for conflict, boundaries, and communication
Decide what changes you want in your relationships—whether that means setting new limits, having hard conversations, or, in some cases, creating distance or leaving
Final thoughts
Healthy friendships are not just about having people to hang out with. They’re training grounds for every other close relationship you’ll have—especially marriage.
If you’re a young adult (or in any phase of adulthood) noticing red flags, especially around anger and control, that’s worth listening to. You deserve friendships and partnerships where you feel safe, respected, and free to be your full self.
If you’d like support sorting through a particular friendship, dating relationship, or marriage dynamic, our therapists at Phases Virginia would be honored to walk alongside you.
You Deserve Relationships That Uplift You
Whether it’s a friendship that drains your energy or a marriage where anger feels out of control, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Our team at Phases Virginia specializes in helping young adults and couples recognize red flags, set healthy boundaries, and rediscover what genuine connection feels like.
We offer individual therapy, couples therapy, and online counseling for residents throughout Virginia, including Northern Virginia, Richmond, Charlottesville, Norfolk, and Virginia Beach.
💬 Reach out today through our contact form or book an appointment to talk with one of our therapists.
Let’s work together to create the kind of friendships and relationships that truly sustain your mental health.