It’s Okay to Flounder: Why the In-Between Moments Matter for Your Child’s Growth

Jun 17

By the Therapists at Phases Virginia

As a parent, nothing tugs at your heart quite like watching your child struggle. Whether they’re coming off the high of a successful sports season or just moving through a confusing stage of adolescence, it’s natural to want to step in—to offer solutions, plans, or pep talks. But here’s the truth we don’t say enough:

Not every hard moment needs to be “fixed.”

Sometimes, your child needs space to feel lost. And that’s not just okay—it’s actually part of the process of becoming.

What Is Floundering, Really?

Floundering isn’t failure. It’s what happens in the in-between—after one chapter has ended, but before the next one begins. Think of it as a mental and emotional rest stop. A moment to take stock, question who you are, and wonder what’s next.

This often shows up after transitions, like:

The end of a sports season or school year
A breakup or falling out with a friend
Graduating or moving to a new place
Losing a role or identity they’ve held for years

Your child might ask, “Who am I without soccer?” or “What’s the point of trying if I’m not sure I care anymore?”

It can be hard to hear. But it doesn’t mean they’re broken—it means they’re growing.

Why the In-Between Is So Powerful

Discomfort gets a bad rap in parenting. We’re often taught to smooth it over, to jump in with encouragement or distraction. But research in developmental psychology shows that uncertainty can spark creativity, emotional maturity, and long-term resilience.

When kids are allowed to experience this “pause” without shame or pressure, they learn:

That their worth isn’t tied to performance
That it’s okay not to have it all figured out
That emotions, even the tough ones, are safe to feel

As one of our therapists at Phases Virginia often reminds families:

“You don’t need to rebuild everything right away. Sometimes, you just need to rest in the pause.”

How Parents Can Rest in the Pause—Even When Life Feels Too Fast

We live in a world that glorifies speed—quick fixes, instant answers, constant productivity. And parenting in this environment can feel like a race with no finish line. Between school drop-offs, work obligations, sports practices, emotional check-ins, and dinner on the table, you might wonder:

“Where is the time to pause?”
“How do I rest when everything is moving so fast?”

Here’s the truth: You can rest without everything stopping. Rest doesn’t always mean a vacation or an empty calendar. Sometimes, rest is a mindset—a way of giving yourself permission to slow down emotionally, even if the world around you keeps moving.

It might look like:

Taking three deep breaths in the car before you walk in the door
Choosing not to fix a problem right away, and allowing space for things to unfold
Letting a moment be quiet, instead of filling it with advice or activity
Sitting with your child’s struggle without spiraling into guilt or urgency
Reminding yourself that growth happens in stillness, not just action

When you choose to rest in the pause, you’re not being passive—you’re being present. You’re modeling something powerful for your child: that it’s okay to slow down, reflect, and let life breathe a little.

And in doing so, you give your nervous system a moment to recalibrate. You soften the urgency. You reclaim your calm.

At Phases Virginia, we often remind parents:

You don’t have to do more to be a good parent. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to pause with your child—and with yourself—and simply be.

What Does It Mean to "Hold Space" for Your Child?

You’ve probably heard the phrase “hold space” before, but what does that actually mean when your child is struggling?

At its core, holding space means being emotionally present without trying to control, fix, or change what the other person is experiencing. It’s choosing to sit with them in their discomfort, rather than rushing to erase it.

For parents, this might look like:

Listening without judgment
You don’t need to have the perfect advice. Just hearing them out—really hearing them—can be healing.
Letting silence be okay
If they say, “I don’t know what I want anymore,” resist the urge to fill the space with solutions. Sometimes, the silence is where clarity begins.
Regulating your own emotions
It’s natural to feel anxious when your child is hurting. But holding space means not making their pain about your panic. Take a deep breath and remind yourself: it’s not your job to fix everything, just to be here.
Creating a safe container
Let them know (with both your words and your body language) that they’re safe to feel whatever they’re feeling—confused, unmotivated, disappointed, unsure.
Offering gentle reassurance
Without minimizing their feelings, you can remind them: “You don’t have to figure this all out right now. I’m here. I love you. We’ll get through this together.”

Holding space is not about having the answers. It’s about being a calm, steady presence while your child finds theirs.

What Parents Can Do (And Not Do)

Letting your child flounder doesn’t mean abandoning them. It means holding space while they work through it

✅ What to Do:

Validate Their Feelings: “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
Ask Open Questions: “What’s been on your mind lately?” instead of “What’s your plan?”
Model Self-Compassion: Share times you felt lost and found your way again.
Check for Warning Signs: Keep an eye out for changes in sleep, eating, or social withdrawal that may indicate depression or anxiety.
Trust the Process: Growth doesn’t always look like forward momentum.

❌ What Not to Do:

Don’t rush to “fix it” with solutions or distractions.
Don’t minimize their feelings with phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll bounce back.”
Don’t pressure them to define what's next right away.

A New Definition of Strength

We often think of strength as pushing through, staying motivated, or getting back up quickly. But what if strength also looks like:

Sitting with not knowing
Questioning old identities
Pausing instead of performing

These are not signs of weakness. They are signs of becoming.

When You're Not the One They Want to Talk To—and Why That’s Okay

As a parent, it can be painful to realize your child might not want to open up to you—especially when they’re struggling. But here’s something we want you to hear clearly:

That’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of their process.

Sometimes, the most healing conversations happen with someone outside the family—someone who isn’t woven into expectations, routines, or roles. A therapist, coach, mentor, or trusted adult can offer a kind of emotional freedom that’s hard to replicate in parent-child dynamics.

Why? Because:

There’s no fear of disappointing someone they love
There’s no pressure to “be okay” for the sake of keeping the household steady
There’s space to explore their thoughts without judgment or correction
There’s freedom from performance—no grades, no goals, no expectations to meet

Talking with someone neutral allows your child to ask big questions like:
“What if I’m not who everyone thinks I am?” or “Is it okay that I don’t have it all figured out?”

And in that space, they can hear back:
“Yes. It’s okay. You’re allowed to be uncertain.”

At Phases Virginia, we often tell parents: you don’t have to be everything. In fact, your willingness to let someone else step in—to be that sounding board, that gentle guide—can be the most loving act of all.. Here’s how to offer support without rushing the process:

Final Thoughts: Let Them Flounder

At Phases Virginia, we work with young people and families navigating all kinds of transitions. And time and time again, we see this truth hold:

The in-between is not wasted time. It’s sacred ground.
It’s where the next version of your child is quietly forming.

So yes, support them. Yes, pay attention to their well-being. But also—breathe. The floundering is not a detour from their path. It is the path.

If you’re worried about your child’s emotional health or want to learn how to better support them through transitions, our licensed therapists at Phases Virginia are here to help.

🌐 Visit phasesvirginia.com to learn more or schedule an online appointment.

Whitney Houston